She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
