no, he came in my armpit
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
