You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
