You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
