U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
