he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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