Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
