Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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