I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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