i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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