i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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