there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
