she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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