OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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