she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
