Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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