good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird