i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.