I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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