if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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