Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
