I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
