My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
