No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
