The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
