I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
