wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
