I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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