Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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