Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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