Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
