i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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