When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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