Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Randomize
