I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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