Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
