Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
