I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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