Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
