Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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