Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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