Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
