all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
