we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
