3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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