Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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