From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
