It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
