2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
