I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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