i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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