I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
