I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
