i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?