I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.