I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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