he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
