White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
